Will you have a Halloween love story?
Commitment after a broken heart can be scary
I’m approaching my 4th wedding anniversary (in a couple of weeks). Seeing as it’s Halloween tomorrow, I thought it might be fun to revisit my accidental Halloween love story.
I hope you enjoy it!
He Accidentally Proposed on Halloween
Today is the one year anniversary of my engagement which accidentally happened on Halloween. Two weeks from now, I’ll be walking down the aisle. Early in our relationship, Ben and I had been hinting about the future for a couple of months, but the marriage discussion was forced upon us the day I met his very religious grandmother.
I felt a bit nervous meeting her. I’m a divorcee and I’d heard stories about Ben’s grandmother. She’s known as a woman who speaks her mind, especially when it comes to her very traditional Catholic beliefs. I wasn’t sure what kind of welcome I was going to receive — divorce is certainly not “Catholic approved.”
Ben and I sat at her lace-covered little table while she made cups of tea and offered home-made biscuits which, being gluten-free, I had to turn down. Rejecting her hospitality gave me the feeling we were off to a bad start but the conversation flowed easily enough, even if it felt a lot like a job interview.
The first few questions began in safe zones — work, family, asking about the kids — but then it abruptly turned.
She placed both elbows on the table and clasped her hands in front of her. “So,” she said firmly, looking back and forth between me and Ben. “Who wants to commit and when?” It was clear she was talking about marriage.
I’d been doing most of the answering up to this point but now I looked across the table at Ben, stunned. Ben laughed nervously but answered first. “We both do and soon.”
At that stage, we had only been dating seriously for around six months. I was surprised by Ben’s quick reply: normally the quiet-type, he’s often slow and careful in his decision-making. His answer had been a confident one. I’d been thinking along the same lines but we hadn’t said it so bluntly to each other before. I smiled and nodded in agreement.
“That’s good then. It’s time you settled down, Benji,” Ben’s grandmother said, and then, just as abruptly, moved on to another topic.
It was coming up to my birthday and Ben and I booked a trip away. We’d been dating a year now and I was starting to wonder when he’d propose. Over the last couple of months, I’d catch him looking at me in a new way and I’d think, “Is he going to propose right now? Please not now.”
Having recently divorced I wanted to wait at least a year before getting engaged. I’d rushed my first marriage and didn’t want to be in any hurry with this relationship. I needed more reassurance it was the right choice this time around.
A few days before our trip away, my youngest daughter bought up marriage. “Go ask Ben then if you like,” I told her, both of us acting silly and giggly. “Ask him when he’s going to propose.”
She disappeared into the lounge where Ben was playing guitar.
“He says not until next year,” she announced a few minutes later. She was grinning cheekily like she’d just been let in on a secret.
“Sounds good to me,” I said.
“Happy Birthday, Kelly-girl.” Ben kissed me on the cheek and handed me a coffee as I shuffled up the bed, propping myself up against the large white pillows of our rented apartment. Ben opened the curtains and we were greeted with a stunning view of Auckland’s sky tower: the tallest structure in New Zealand.
“Wow, this apartment was the perfect choice,” I said, taking in the unfamiliar busy streets and crowded skyline — so different to our small hometown on the edge of a rainforest.
My birthday is on the 1st of November and as people who don’t like extravagant gifts or make much fuss over celebrations, a trip away was luxurious. We’d planned to walk around the volcanos of Auckland and make the most of the warmer weather. The plan for my birthday was walking up Mount Eden — a volcano with my name on my birthday? How could I miss that?
Ben served up a special brunch and I checked my phone. It was oddly silent. Normally my parents and siblings would have rung by now or at least left a message wishing me a happy birthday. I decided it was probably just too early and, pushing my disappointment aside, got ready for our walk up Mount Eden.
“The road to Mount Eden is called Kelly street — your first and last names!” he pointed out, examining the map on my phone. Halfway up Kelly street, on the turn off to Mount Eden, we arrived at a bridal shop. I have a secret, embarrassing obsession with weddings and a small fantasy of owning a wedding dress shop, so I stopped for a look. “A wedding dress shop on Kelly Street: it’s a sign!” I said. Ben looked worried.
“You know I won’t really buy a wedding dress shop,” I laughed. “It’s just something I like to imagine.” I reached over to his backpack to get my hat but he yanked it away. “I’ll get it!” he almost shouted at me. Weird, I thought, what’s wrong with him today? I know Ben hates city things, like shopping, but surely he wasn’t that upset at the thought of me owning a bridal shop?
We carried on up to Mount Eden, Ben still acting a little strangely; for a good ten minutes, we walked in uncomfortable silence. “Look at this place!” he announced at the top, perking up. It was gorgeous. I was expecting a rocky, steep volcano — like you see in pictures — but this was lush, soft and green; a small grass-covered crater was surrounded by trees and gentle slopes.
We walked around to take in the scenery and then found a shady spot to sit under some trees on the edge of the crater. A Tui flew in and out of the branches above us, showing off its beautiful dark-green underbelly.
Ben pulled a picnic from his backpack and handed me a tiny bag. “Here’s a little present for you,” he said. The gift was a sparkly handmade soap. That’s a strange gift, I thought wondering for the second time that day what he was up to. I turned it over and saw a jewelry-store card attached. Had he got me earrings for my birthday? I wondered for a second if he’d bought me a ring, but I pushed that thought down — that was next year.
“Here’s the real present though,” he said holding out a black-and-gold box. So this is why he was being weird, I thought as he leaned closer. The pieces all fell together and my heart started to race. Ben’s voice dropped to a whisper, “Kelly, will you marry me?”
I had my worries about second marriages but I was sure about my answer. I nodded. “Of course I will” I whispered back.
After our picnic, we walked down the volcano and into a busy shopping area nearby. It was getting close to evening and people were filling up the local restaurants and takeaways. We walked through the gardens and noticed that more and more of the groups passing us on the street were in costume: a woman in a gory blood-streaked dress, a group of matching cartoon characters on skateboards, a skeleton holding hands with a witch.
“There must be an event on?” I wondered aloud. We don’t celebrate Halloween; it’s not a huge deal in New Zealand generally so we hadn’t even seen much advertising for it. Also, it was my birthday — wasn’t it? The day after Halloween?
We grabbed some dinner and headed back to our apartment where, still not having heard from my family, I decided to ring my mum and share our engagement news.
“That’s so exciting!” she said, “but you know it’s not your birthday today. It’s tomorrow.” I laughed: that explained the lack of calls and the odd costumes! How did I skip an entire day?
Today is a year after Ben and I got engaged and a day before my birthday. We didn’t mean to get engaged at Halloween; is it bad luck? I have no idea and I wouldn’t believe in it anyway. Second marriage is a little scary so perhaps it’s perfect. You’ve probably seen the terrible stats, like I have, about divorce for second-timers. There’s a lot more baggage to deal with, and a ton of healing and learning to do.
I can’t say I’ve been anxiety free leading up to our wedding day — no one can predict the future and I think most of us worry about choosing the right person to marry. No-one wants to face the difficulties of divorce and picking a partner is one of the biggest life-impacting decisions we make. How do you know they’re the right one? You can’t 100% know. There are no guarantees. All you can do is judge a relationship on the reality of it as it is now.
If you’ve known your partner for a couple of years, you’ve seen enough behavior and character to make smart judgments about your relationship: past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
That’s why I took my time this time around. Ben and I had been friends for a few years, but I wanted to get to know him as a partner too. I wanted to see the reality of how we worked together as a couple: how we communicate, how we treat each other consistently, how we make decisions and sort out issues. After two years, I am confident about my relationship with Ben: so far nothing has scared me off! We’ve put in the time and done the work to give second marriage the best chance possible.
And at least now we have something to celebrate on the 31st — we got engaged on my “not birthday.” For the rest of you, Happy Halloween!